An observation of the occasional lack of civility on food blogs and a recipe for a pickled compote of dried fruits.
Years ago, my grandmother scolded me for my less than prompt thank-you notes and I can still remember her horror when I yawned in public without covering my mouth. I was punished, and felt she was totally over-reacting.
Times change.
Last week, a question was raised on one of the recipe sites I frequent about the definition of a specific type of measurement used in one of the recipes. The phrasing of the question was a bit terse, suggesting frustration bordering on anger, and quickly drew a flurry of additional views and comments. Several visitors to the site answered the question in a straightforward way; but then someone challenged the tone used in the question, and faster than you can say Hiroshima, the questioner exploded with insults and a full-scale retaliation. I was as startled by the capitalized vehemence on my computer screen as my grandmother must have been by that long-ago yawn. And a bit stunned by the sudden force of emotion over a seemingly innocent word.
I tweet, friend, pin, stumble, and buzz. I avidly visit food blogs, recipe sharing sites, and joined two tribes last week, for which it appears I earned 100 bones, whatever that means. But I’m conflicted about social media, to be honest, and the impact it has on society in general.
This new media has exposed me to new ideas, informed me on subjects not covered by my local paper, and allowed me to form new supportive friendships with like-minded people I’ve never met. But there’s a flip side to all this connecting, and I don’t mean the addictive behavior that can make me forget the passing of time, forget about making dinner, forget I never made it to the store that day so there’s no food for dinner anyway. That’s an entirely different issue.
I mean the anonymity of the internet, and the open door it provides anyone with access to a computer to log in with a rant because they’re having a bad day. Or a bad decade. Behind the protection of a computer screen, it’s disturbingly easy to write things you wouldn’t dream of actually saying in person. This has been a problem with email for years, but with the rapidly expanding ways to connect, it’s worsening. Now it’s not just the guy up on the 10th floor sounding off because he didn’t get that promotion and ‘just can’t take it anymore’. It’s anybody with a grudge, suddenly surfacing, under an assumed name, to strike.
In the last year, I’ve witnessed electronic assaults directed at a chef for changing up a classic recipe, and shockingly cutting accusations in comments on food blog published by someone who recently lost her husband. There are excellent web sites and blogs dedicated to providing well-thought out, bulleted lists of correct internet behavior (netiquette), but this issue goes beyond what lessons in etiquette are designed to address. This is about people with anger and life management issues now having a forum to rage. And my larger fear: that although we may be initially shocked, that slowly over time a new “normal” emerges for what’s deemed acceptable behavior. And we forget that anger is contagious, and that virtual on-line chats have the power to inflict very real pain.
I’ve felt a little helpless, I confess, in coming up with viable solutions. As bloggers, we can choose to moderate comments before they’re published; but once we read them, the damage is done. We’ve been hit, it’s filed away in the memory banks, the seeds of fear and anger planted. Or we can decide not to extend ourselves, our knowledge, our resources, huddling behind our computers reluctant to type anything into a public forum; but this isn’t a real solution either.
Last week’s scuffle over the objection to a single word in a recipe reinvigorated this dilemma for me anew. But as I sat in my chair, feeling unsettled by the argument taking place on the screen in front of me, I began to see an ad hoc neighborhood watch committee from this online community assemble from all corners of the country, and the world, to stand as a unified front for respect and civility. While I acknowledge that any neighborhood watch team needs to ensure it doesn’t morph into a SWAT team, it was liberating to lend my voice and support for a more civil space where we can all feel safe, and not accept insults as a new norm. I suddenly didn’t feel so helpless, and the situation didn’t feel so hopeless.
I’m still of mixed minds on social media, but I know it’s here to stay; and for better or worse, I’ve chosen to dive into the deep end. I’m sure I’ll see more personal attacks out there in cyberspace, but this incident showed me that only by participating, and stepping up to be a voice for moderation without getting caught up in the drama, can we all take a stand for how we treat each other. And I was reminded of the importance of having a community of like-minded people from whom I can draw strength, and with whom I can stand for what I believe in.
I finish this post with an invitation for you to share how you feel about civility on the internet, and to offer this apt recipe for a pickled relish. It’s full of the contrasting elements of life: sweet from the dried fruit and sugar, sass from the vinegar, and a dose of heat from the red pepper flakes. They all come together in a perfect dance to balance either other, and should always be allowed to cool before consuming. My grandmother would have loved it.
Pickled Relish
Ingredients
- ½ cup dried fruit apricots, golden raisins, dried cherries, currants
- 1 tablespoon dried rosemary
- 2 tablespoons yellow mustard seeds
- 1 cup water
- 3 tablespoons white wine vinegar
- ⅓ cup sugar
- Juice of ½ navel orange
- ⅓ cup sweet onion
- ¼ teaspoon dried red pepper flakes
Instructions
- Combine all of the ingredients into a small pot over medium heat. Bring to a simmer and reduce the heat just enough to maintain a gentle, constant simmer. Simmer for 15 - 20 minutes.
- Allow to cool before consuming.
Pat
Thanks for the post Susan...I too, felt extremely uncomfortable watching that unfold. I'm pretty new to this whole social networking thing and was totally taken aback.
( and the Compote looks amazing!)
The Wimpy Vegetarian
Thanks Pat! I think it all took us by surprise, and made me wonder what was really going on with the questioner. What was going through her mind when she tapped out the words we all read? Anyway, thanks so much for the support!
Ashley
How awful Susan! I am so sorry about this unfortunate incident. I have had one toned comment shot back at me for making a mistake on the amount of an ingredient. I love your post! We are all human and being mean in any form is so hurtful!
Have a great day! You always inspire me!
The Wimpy Vegetarian
Thanks so much Ashley!! And I'm so sorry you've had to deal with something too. We ARE all human, and I really believe we're all just trying to do the best we can. You have a great day too!
Renee
What I have found is the majority of the people I have been in contact with through social media are good, polite, and generous. There are always the ones who are angry and negative and I choose to ignore, unfollow, or hide them. I will always look for the positive and I am drawn to it. The best thing to do is take the high road and not get pulled into a river of anger and negativity. There are so many good people out there and I cannot wait to meet them in real life or through social media.
The Wimpy Vegetarian
I completely agree with you, Renee! I think, and THANK goodness, that this is the exception. Most people, the majority of people, are welcoming and giving. And I'm so grateful that I've met up with so many of them over the last few years on various sites. Thanks so much for commenting!!
Carol Sacks
Eloquent and well-written reminder of how important it is to treat each other with civility and respect.
And...the recipe looks wonderful, too. Thank you for a memorable post.
The Wimpy Vegetarian
Thanks Carol! I really appreciate it. Thankfully it's the exception - we just need to keep it that way.
Cynthia
Yes, I'll concur mightily with the fact that you wrote with great eloquence about a difficult subject. Difficult in many ways and in different applications. The events of that evening have slipped mercifully into the past, but that is not to say that such an event won't recur. I didn't take the whole thing personally, because I imagine the writer would have responded to literally anyone in his/her sights the same way. That said, the degree of insolence and accusation in the original question were one thing. Quite another were the explosion of rage that followed, as you noted. It was shocking. Equally so was the writer's utter lack of insight into or acceptance of any poor behavior, though many, many people tried with great tact to point it out. One of the participants that evening continues to post answers to questions on the same site, and today skirted quite close once again to his KIA (know-it-all) condescension of that night. I am sure you are right - the whole conversation never would have spun so out of control in person. Nonetheless, that particular website is nothing if not welcoming and friendly, far beyond mere civility. Maybe that is what made it all the more shocking for so many of us. As for myself, I feel a lot less naive about how people are capable of behaving in an anonymous forum. But I feel no less anticipatory that people will behave with decency, kindness, and generosity. Thank you for such an eloquent treatment of the subject of individual conduct and social media.
The Wimpy Vegetarian
Thanks Cynthia. I've given this so much thought. I think the best thing we can do in a situation like this is to walk the talk; be the civility we want to see in others, no matter what. That doesn't mean roll over. But to stand firm without being sucked in. And to have a solid group of compadres for support. I'm honored to be on your team 🙂
Barbara
Hi Susan. What a beautiful post. (and nice recipe!). I think what happened last week is so shocking because it took place in a forum that we've all come to trust as warm and friendly and welcoming. You wrote beautifully there as well as here, and it made those of us who stand for kindness and courtesy pull together and it strengthened our friendship. I guess cyber-bullying isn't only a problem in high school! We can do what you did: state clearly that we stand for kindness an supportive friendship, and won't stand for meanness or spiteful behavior. Don't let the turkeys get you down! XO
The Wimpy Vegetarian
Thanks so much Barbara! I so appreciate your friendship! XOXO
Trish
Lovely post and so true.... we have a motto in our family "The most important thing is to be kind." -- and I find I tend to add "no matter what" after I say or hear it said. We must always remember kindness, no matter what medium we use to communicate. Thanks for posting this.
The Wimpy Vegetarian
That is an excellent motto, Trish! I genuinely believe that there is far much more kindness in the world than otherwise; we just don't always hear about it. It happens quietly in the background.
Stephanie, The Recipe Renovator
Hi Susan, I'm so glad that we have recently "met" and that I'm getting to know another like-minded blogger. Both in terms of recipes and in terms of world view. While I don't know about the incident you've reported, I've seen enough of them, and heard about enough of them, to get the drift. I think it's key to stand for kindness and civility on line.
It reminds me of something I recently posted to FB, that two different people objected to because they don't support that world view. Both of them were rude in their comments, and I asked them to simply be civil. One apologized right away, one didn't respond. I don't expect "everyone to just get along" but I do think we need to always stand for kindness. Thanks for this post, and the recipe, which is right up my alley.
The Wimpy Vegetarian
I too am so glad we've "met". Thanks so much for sharing your comment 🙂
The Wimpy Vegetarian
Thanks so much Suzanne. I keep thinking about it, and how unexpected the hostility was from the questioner. Thanks for being one of the people I was standing with 🙂
Sharon
Well said!
Sharon
To add to comment what I love about the site you are referring to is that the majority of the comments are generous, welcoming, curious, supportive. And the incidents like the one you are pointing to are few. And it is because the majority of the participants are taking responsibility for a civil discourse.
The Wimpy Vegetarian
Absolutely, Sharon! We have such a strong sense of community there, unlike any other I've been a part of. I agree that's why incidents like this stand out so clearly - they are the exception. Thanks so much for stopping by to comment.
Jessica | Oh Cake
I couldn't agree with you more, Renee. I sometimes have to stop reading the comments on news stories because they are filled with such scathing hatred towards individuals. Thinking about the teens who have committed suicide after being bullied & harassed on social networks and one wonders what the parents of the perpetrators are teaching their children. I do think most of the food bloggers I have met are genuine and considerate people. What disturbs me more than the internet incivility is the face-to-face incivility. I work in a well-known, high-end retail store in a very swanky neighborhood of my city. Some of the rudeness I have seen there stuns me. We are so quick to anger, so quick to lash out, so quick to judge others when 9 times out of 10, in my experience, we all basically want the same things and we can much more easily obtain those things with a little kindness and patience. I am so grateful for my husband, who works in a job that posits him with some of the worst elements of society, and yet is one of the kindest people I know. I try to balance what I see "out there" by being even more calm, more patient, and more forgiving that I used to be.
I think your grandmother and mine would have gotten along famously.
The Wimpy Vegetarian
You're absolutely right, Jessica. That's when I get so concerned. That a critical mass assembles of a type of offensive behavior, and suddenly it's the new 'normal' of acceptable behavior. Thanks so much for your comment!
LiztheChef
I missed the ugly exchange - just as well. I have taken time to read not just your thoughtful post, but all the comments as well. I feel reassured that most of us mean well and do treat one another with respect. I remember a few rude comments on my recipes posted on food52 and how quickly folks came to my defense. It is so easy to be kind, isn't it?
The Wimpy Vegetarian
I love that as a motto, Liz. "It's so easy to be kind." Love it. Thanks for sharing it.
Jane Neall
Susan; You write so well and articulate the dilemma from all different angles. It is a joy to read your thoughtful responses. We need more voices like yours. Keep writing!
The Wimpy Vegetarian
Thanks so much Jane. That means a lot to me. Much love to you xo
Mare
Susan, Your post said what most of us were thinking. I admired you for speaking up at the time and defending the person being attacked. I didn't post any reply because I felt that you had spoken for exactly what I believed as well. ( and didn't want to throw any more cooking oil on the fire) We can't chose who will read and react to our posts, but luckily, we can chose our social media friends and most/all of us have found great friendships with these new medias. Cheers!
The Wimpy Vegetarian
The friendships we have found through social media far outweigh the bad, that's for certain. I like your message that we can't choose who will read and react to posts, but we can certainly choose our social media friends. xo
Jayne
What a well written post. Such food for thought! I missed the event you speak of but I'm sure another will happen. I am appalled by such bad manners, I was bought up to say nothing if you have nothing nice to say.
You have lots of nice things to say and it's a pleasure reading your blog!
The Wimpy Vegetarian
Thanks so much Jayne. I think that's still a good maxim. I can't say I've been perfect at that, but I try 🙂
Wendy Read
Brave and thoughtful post. I, too, missed this event, but I also have been witness to many different "interactions" both virtual and physical in the foodie community. Diverse ages, diverse backgrounds--both of these play a huge role in how we interact and how we can be so shocked by behaviors that are not kind. Thank you for such an honest post, I really enjoy reading your blog.
The Wimpy Vegetarian
Thanks so much Wendy! I think you make a good point about diverse ages and backgrounds playing a role on this too. I really appreciate your comment. For some reason it got caught up in my blog's spam filter and I just saw it when I was going through it 🙁
gluttonforlife
Where there is humanity, good and bad always coexist. Thanks, Susan, for taking a stance and bringing this to our attention. A few rotten apples can never touch the amazing possibilities for community the internet has created. xo
The Wimpy Vegetarian
I agree, Laura. And those opportunities inspire me and give me hope!
Simone@howtocook-easyrecipes.com
Hi Susan, a wonderfully written and thoughtful post on an unpleasant topic. And as to your topic - as my Mother always says 'If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all'!!
Norma Chang
I too missed the ugly exchange and agree with Renee (posted 3/29). That relish recipe sounds delicious.
Liz
First, your pickled fruit sounds incredible! And, secondly, thanks for such a well written post. Yes, there are nut cases everywhere, so it's not a surprise that irrational behavior and squabbles turn up on message boards. It's just too bad everyone can't follow the rules of common courtesy. Sigh.
The Wimpy Vegetarian
Indeed. And it's not that I don't get caught up in things too, but I've really had to learn to sit back and take a breath, take a walk, do some gardening, SOMEthing, and only then do I try to respond. Or not 🙂
Hannah
Your grandmother would be proud of you, Susan! Thank you for such a well-written, heartfelt post. A big hug to you!
The Wimpy Vegetarian
Oh Hannah, thanks so much for this warming message. A big hug to you too!